last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
