What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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