you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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