I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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