so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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