Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
