1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
