remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
