if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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