george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
