if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
