sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
