booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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