also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
