I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
