Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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