how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
