Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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