shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
All the doctor said was why
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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