no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
did i just pee glitter
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You are a genius and a whore.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
