So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
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And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
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Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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