if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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