Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
