I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
