Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
