Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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