I need to stop coming to work sober
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
