it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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