We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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