Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
whose ass print is on the piano?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
