Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Its about making memories worth repressing
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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