I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
