Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
