Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
