My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
