my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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