Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
