Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
