So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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