I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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