im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
