i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
