i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
