ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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