Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
