im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
