Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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