someone threw a dead crab at me
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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