i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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