We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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