Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
