You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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