I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
